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 jokes lang...

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PostSubject: jokes lang...   4/27/2008, 11:44 am

Think before you speak...



Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!



Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...



Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:



I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl@w job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:



I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."



THIRD TESTIMONY:



My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY:



While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:



Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.



One day we stopped at Macdonalds for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my lunch, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MUM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"



While 30 people nearly choked to death on their hamburgers laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:



This one had most of the state of Tasmania laughing for 2days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember... we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.




----------------------------------------------------------------





PINOY AKO!

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a
new CEO for Microsoft Europe.

Exactly 5,000 candidates assembled in a large
room. One candidate is MARIO DIMACULANGAN.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do
not know JAVA may leave.

2,000 people leave the room.

MARIO says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I
have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'.

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience
in managing more than 500 people may leave.

2,000 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself ' I never managed anybody
but myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management
diplomas may leave.

500 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15
but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the
room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do
not speak Serbo-Croat to leave.

498 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, ' I do not speak one word
of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he
stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you
are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat,
so I\'d now like to hear you have a conversation
together in that language.'

Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and
says `Pano ba yan, dong?'

The other candidate answers 'Ewan ko, pare.'
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/27/2008, 11:47 am

Don't Ask your Lola


This is funny...my good friend Johnny always said he can't wait to be
old because old people get away with saying anything
they feel like saying.

Here's a great example...


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
f* **king
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!!!"
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 12:54 am

cool!! thanx for the post...
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:38 am

no prob...
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:41 am

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a

cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:42 am

Who To Marry?


Found a forwarded email [09.16.06] and sorry to disappoint hopeless romantics but these are not from Dr. Phil or any professional therapist or educator or psychologist or whatever. These were answers by kids and we adults should listen to them. Realistic and innocent.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10 [boys will be boys]

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10 [destiny?!]
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 [I should have married a year ago, sigh]

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 [woman-hater in the making.. or geek]

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 [hahahahaha!]
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 [omg!]
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 [smart kid]

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 [true]
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9 [criminal mind at an early age]
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 [clap, clap, clap]

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 [law abiding kiddo]

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 [who the f*ck made that rule?!]
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. - Theodore, age 8 [wtf!]

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 [well said]
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 [bravo!]
And the #1 Favourite is.........



HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10 [sad, but so true
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:44 am

Tawa muna Dyan!


Letter to OFW dad:
"Luv, tnx sa padala mo, hapi c nene kasi tobleron ang baon sa skul. ung nike suot na ni jr. next tym wag ka na padala NIVEA MILK. di nila type pait daw, ako tuloy ang umubos."


MISTER: ano ang pagkain natin?
MISIS: nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
MISTER: isang pirasong tuyo? ano pagpipilian ko?
MISIS: pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!


IDD call from US:
HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan?
WIFE: dept store na!
HUSBAND: ang tuba-an?
WIFE: KTV bar na!
HUSBAND: ang mga tri-sikad?
WIFE: taxi na!
HUSBAND: ang dalawa kong anak?
WIFE: LIMA na!


Sweethearts watchin' da sky...
GUY: ano ang horoscope mo?
GIRL: anong huruskup?
GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER..
GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!


TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate it in tagalog?
PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she?
TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog.
PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?


DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu!
MAID: walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag-almusal!


SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:
1. birds of the same feather, are the same birds
2. do not do unto others what you can't do
3. an apple a day is not an apple at night
4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone
5. if others can do it, don't help
6. tell me who ur friends are and i'll tell u mine
7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon
8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na maingay...may naglalaba
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:44 am

he US INS recently released this list of names of Filipinos who
changed their names when they became naturalized U.S. Citizens. Who knows...
you might encounter them one day.



Happy Reading!



Gregorio Talahib - George Bush

Tomas Cruz - Tom Cruise

Macario Maldonado - Mac Donald

Remegio Batungbacal- Remington Steel

Victoria Malihim- Victoria Secret

Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur

Juanito Lakarin - Johnny Walker

Federico Hagibis- Federal Express

Esteban Magtaka - Stevie Wonder

Jaime Bondoc - James Bond

Leon Mangubat - Tiger Woods

Eleuterio Ignacio- Electronic Ignition

Burgos Bahag-Hari - Burger King

Kasimiro Bukaykay - Cashmere Bouquet

Maria Calas - Mary Kay

Rogelio Dagdagan - Roger Moore

Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun

Restituto Pruto - Tutti Frutti

Samuel Tampipi - Sam Sonite

Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease

Alfonso De Asis - Alzheimer Disease

Francisco Portero - Frank Porter

Diosdado Durante- Deo Dorant

Roberto Controlado- Bert Control

Carpio Llanes - Carpool Lanes

Julia Domingo - Holy Sunday

Maria Pascua - Mary Christmas

Ligaya Anonuevo - Happy New Year
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:45 am

Subject: WHICH IS BETTER BEER or VAGINA?



And now the question women are afraid to ask that
all men want to
answer: Which is better, BEER or VAGINA?


1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a lot of work.
- One point to BEER


2.Warm beer tastes awful.
- One point to VAGINA


3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
- One point to BEER


4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you
find a hair between
your teeth, you may vomit.
- One point to VAGINA


5.If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get
mad, make a scene,
kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina
your wife may get
mad, kick you out, or leave you. There's definitely
a point to be had
here, depending on your point of view and personal
circumstances.
Let's call it a DRAW for the time being.


6.Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home.
Ten vaginas in one
night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
- One point to VAGINA


7.If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your
reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become
a legend.
- One point to VAGINA


8.If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may
get arrested. If
you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
- One point to VAGINA


9.You normally don't find old beer.
- One point to BEER


10.Too much beer and you'll think you see UFOs. Too
much vagina and
you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA


11.Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring.
Ripping off panties is fun.
- One point to VAGINA


12.In most countries there's a tax on beer.
- One point to VAGINA


13.If you have another beer the first one never gets
pissed off.
- One point to BEER


14.You can always be sure if you're the first one to
open a bottle or
a can.
- One point to BEER

15.If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but
eventually it settles
down.
- One point to BEER


16.With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner, ale, lager,
etc... with vagina you also have a choice, white,
black, asian,
hispanic, and eskimo...
- Call it a DRAW


17.You always know how much beer is going to cost
- One point to BEER


18.Beer doesn't have a mother
- One point to BEER


19.Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour
after you drink it
- One point to BEER


FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 9
The case is settled. The tasty winner is: BEER!

PS: To women who now feel angry, degraded or
discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.

- An extra point for BEER
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:46 am

Sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.


PILITA: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
ANDENG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
PILITA: bakit mare?
ANDENG: virgin pa kasi ako.

Nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:47 am

HOW GOD MADE THE PHILIPPINES!
>
> Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
> Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
>
> He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
>
> God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
> through the clouds, "Look,Michael. Look what I've made."
>
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
>
> "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to
> call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
>
> "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
>
> God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
> Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but
> cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and
> pleasant."
>
> "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched
> deserts."
>
> "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
> covered in ice."
>
> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group of
> Islands and said, "What are those?"
>
> "Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines, the most glorious place on
> earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests.
>
> The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest,
> intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the
> world.
>
> They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving and
> they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."
>
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
> about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
>
>
> God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the idiots I designated as
> their leaders."
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:48 am

On one recent occasion, I had a valid
reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I
simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up
to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower
after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-pa tter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and b utt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I

perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.


Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing. It struck without warning, and without any
respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into

its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating
dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised
around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise
moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered
and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight
or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight'
option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air
when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.


When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life
> worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front
of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by
my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct
their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not
succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days
later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to
coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it
was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?



If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at
this?
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:49 am

next time naman ulit ang updates..enjoy reading
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 6:58 am

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, because I just got the last seven questions
wrong!"
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 7:03 am

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

(allegedly this student received the only A)
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 7:07 am

TNT s America.....

Dan Torres from Bicol, TNT sa America...
Grocery Cashier: Visa or Master?
Dan: (kinabahan) Hanap Visa ko!
(Nagmadali sumakay sa kotse, but he need gas)
Gasoline Boy: Pay first..
Dan (nerbyos na nerbyos) Patay! Papers daw...
(runs to the booth to call home)
Operator: AT&T, can I help you?
Dan: (namutla): Alam na TNT ako!!
(Labas sya ng booth)
Kano: Are you done?
Dan(pawisan): Alam nila name ko?!
Kano: Tourist?
Dan: Apelyido rin?!
Kano: Be cool!
Dan: Pati Probinsya ko?!
(Hinimatay si Dan
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 10:03 am

thanx for the posts lou...

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 10:57 am

haha...no prob...hehehe
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 11:05 am

ubos mo gd tanan copy paste ba!!!

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 11:10 am

bata, walay short joke/story?
kapoya basa woi...hehehe! Razz

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 11:27 am

true story: from one of my calls


CS: Sir, do you have INTERNET EXPLORER there?
Cust: Huh?... Oh!!!.. No, I have MSN IN-NERNET EXPLODER here...
(... makes sense to me!!!)

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 11:30 am

TS: Alright, we're going to perform a checkdisk... that is for us to see if your hard drive has errors in it.please type in C-H-K-D-S-K...
Cust: What is that again?
TS: C-H-K-D-S-K... that is... C as in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly... D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in Karly...
(gleng-gleng... bagong version...)

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/28/2008, 11:32 am

TS: Alright, we're going to perform a checkdisk... that is for us to see if your hard drive has errors in it.please type in C-H-K-D-S-K...
Cust: What is that again?
TS: C-H-K-D-S-K... that is... C as in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly... D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in Karly...
(gleng-gleng... bagong version...)

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/30/2008, 7:05 am

corny...hahahah
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   4/30/2008, 2:27 pm

And yet they say India is now the largest English speaking country in Asia ...

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India .


1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day
casual leave."

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today."

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."


11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/1/2008, 3:29 am

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."


hahah! astig ni xia letter!!!...

"refer to my below..."

i wonder wats down there...! hehehe Razz

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/1/2008, 3:36 am

this is my idol:

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

para everybody happy...

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/6/2008, 7:18 am

waaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/10/2008, 11:21 pm

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/10/2008, 11:22 pm



Last edited by mav3rik on 5/10/2008, 11:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/10/2008, 11:25 pm

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/10/2008, 11:31 pm

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/10/2008, 11:38 pm

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/10/2008, 11:43 pm

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/10/2008, 11:44 pm

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/11/2008, 4:34 pm

nice one!!!hehehe
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/22/2008, 2:21 pm

lol!

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   5/22/2008, 4:32 pm

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she
said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it
properly."

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth
showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her
a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do
that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees!!".
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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   6/11/2008, 10:52 am

Who wants peanuts?!


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them.

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PostSubject: Re: jokes lang...   6/11/2008, 10:32 pm

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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jokes lang...
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